Nichole here. My family’s favorite pastime is eating. Our second-favorite? Talking about things we have eaten. (As you likely could have guessed judging by the content of this blog.) My brother has a particular fondness for cheeseburgers. I tried to get him to start a cheeseburger-review site, but he wasn’t ready for that level of commitment. And so we bring you Cheeseburger de Jure, in which my brother eats cheeseburgers and tells us about them. He’s come up with a nifty and rather complex rating system. His first review is of McDonalds’ Bacon and Cheese Angus burger. I would’ve expected nothing less from a guy who spent his formative years working at said fast-food joint. Now let’s turn things over to my favorite famished barrister, Perry Mason.

Hello Butterscotch Sundae Readers!

To make Cheeseburger de Jure work, we’ll need a rating system. The “Scale of 1-10” is boring, so I think we should invent a new system, by which we rate burgers by comparing the best alternative food item we’d rather eat. So, the scale, from worst to best, is:

With that out of the way, let’s get to the burger rating. On your plate is the McDonalds’ Angus Bacon & Cheese burger. McDonalds misses the mark on this one by making it more about the toppings than the cow. Admittedly, the toppings are wonderful. McDonalds uses higher-quality pickles, cheese and bacon on this burger than on its other offerings, and they try hard to step this one up and help make the burger look like it might not have come from a fast food joint. The presentation really is a step above. But no topping — and I mean no topping — can rescue this burger from a lack of flavor, juiciness or the guilt arising from the absurd caloric content.

So, where does this burger rate? I’d rather eat a frozen pizza.