There have been a lot of recipes and lists around here lately, I’ve noticed. Not so much with the personal stuff. Not that I talk all that much about how I’m feeling, anyway. But I know that I’ve been avoiding it these last few months. Because I don’t want to talk about it. I’d rather put on a happy front and let you think we’re all cake and dancing over here. And it is that, a good deal of the time. But there’s also this undercurrent that I just can’t shake.
Here’s the thing: I thought I was going crazy for a while there. I thought the birth control I chose after Pete was born was causing it, so I went to the doctor to tell him to remove it. I wrote out a list of the symptoms and took it in with me. (I was going to transcribe it here, but I can’t find it. It was something like this: “I’m so angry and I can’t stop crying and Sarah Palin! The winking! It makes me furious!” Yes, that was on the list. Really.) But the doctor didn’t say, “Yes, of course it’s the Mirena! Good-bye, Mirena!”
He said I was stressed out, that I have PMDD, a kind of uber-PMS. Featuring delightful symptoms such as:
So, yeah, it sure sounds like I’m a textbook case. But I was angry, because I didn’t want this to be me. I wanted an outside cause for this. Something we could take care of easily. Something that was beyond my control, but within my control to stop. If that makes any sense. Which it doesn’t, I know. But like I said: Going crazy.
That was — as the Palin reference would suggest — back in October or so. My angry self got a second opinion, which was pretty much the same as the first. I still haven’t filled the Zoloft prescription the doctor gave me, because the possible side effects sort of freaked me out. I’ve been trying to reduce the stress levels with exercise and time alone, etc. That was working pretty well for awhile, but the stress level has ratcheted up several notches recently. So here I am again, feeling a little crazy.
I’m not anti-medication. I’m afraid the side effects will be worse than the crazy. And, to be honest, I just want to be stronger than this. But I’m beginning to think that I’m not. Maybe I should just take the darn Zoloft.
I’d appreciate your prayers and any helpful advice you might have. But please don’t give me any lip or snark. It’ll just give you bad mojo, and nobody wants bad mojo.
I’m going to send you a separate e-mail, but I wanted to say publicly that you aren’t alone in your feelings, you’re not going crazy, and you’ve got prayer support (and any other support you’d like) heading your way from Nashville!
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Hey Nichole,
Hang in there and know that you are not alone. I went to my Dr with the EXACT SAME list a couple of years ago. She told me that often times after women have children the seretonin (sp?) levels go berserk and that’s why you see so many case of PMDD after women have had children. She put me on a low dose of prozac 2 weeks a month (starting about 10 days before my period when I start to notice the symptoms ). It does help and I haven’t noticed many side-effects except I do have a little trouble sleeping when I take it. That has improved since I started taking it in the morning instead of at night. Exercise also helps tremendously!
BTW, if you’re looking for an alternative to Mereina, I have the copper version (can’t remember exactly what it’s called – paraguard I think) and I LOVE IT. There are no hormones. I’ve had it since Abby was about 6-mths-old and have had no problems 🙂
Hope this helps a little. It can be frustrating, but I hope it helps to know it’s not just you.
Feel free to email me if you have any other questions!!
Renee
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Nichole,
I hope that you find a way to deal with your symptoms… with or without medication as you choose. Everyone goes through ‘funks’ as I like to call them… and the ones that last longer are even worse than the short episodes.
My current funk is not fun, two days ago I drove home (I currently live in the lower apartment of a split level duplex… but there are 3 duplexes that look just like mine). I pulled in the driveway and was a little upset that my upstairs neighbor had not liked my shoveling job and decided to do it again himself.. and he decided to redecorate our front porch with even more Christmas lights and a bench. To make matters worse my garage door didn’t even work! Needless to say when I got out of the car to check to see if the ice had frozen the garage door shut, my NEXT DOOR neighbor came out of the house and asked me what I was doing (maybe not that nicely) and I burst into tears. I said I was sorry, it was a rough day. I got back in my car, drove one driveway over and put my car in my garage and as soon as I got inside my apt I took a nap just sort of hoping I would wake up and it would be tomorrow already and that I hadn’t completely lost my sanity.
Embarrassing I know, I haven’t decided when exactly I will laugh about it (probably after a move to a new apt next year). But maybe it helped you a little.
No lips or snark from me today, just some food for thought maybe. I am anti-medication in a lot of ways. I think that, particularly in the U.S., doctors are far too quick to pull out the prescription pad. There are people who legitimately need anti-depressants, but most doctors are not willing to take the time and effort to determine if you are one of them before they write up a script and push you out of the office. You know yourself better than any doc, and if you have a feeling it’s the birth control then ask for a change and try that before you go on what are not trivial drugs. And get a second opinion.
It’s funny, I’m working on a blog post about over medication as I read this!
Hi Nicole! I am praying for you and your decision. I have been there too. When I lived in Atl, I was on Paxil for about a year. Then I noticed that all I wanted to do was sleep. I had moved home about that time, and Mom had some heart trouble. We were at the hospital with her for about a week. I stayed because I could listen to the Dr’s and Nurses a little easier than Dad. I realized on day 5 I hadn’t taken my meds since we had rushed to Asheville 5 days earlier, and I was sleeping better and could wake easier. I say that to say this, our bodies change with the tides. We have times when we feel bad, but things can also change for the better. I learned that even if I did need medication for a while, I wasn’t married to it. When my body changed, I was able to drop the script. I still have bouts of anxiety and just plain “nervousness” rarely from time to time. Now they pass (sometimes with the help of one little xanax :), sometimes without), but if they ever come back more often I’ll go the route you have and talk to my Dr. about it.
On another note, I used to have migraines all the time. I told my Dr. it was like clockwork and must be hormone related. It took 2 Dr’s telling me it wasn’t related to hormone changes for me to find one that agreed. Since going off the pill, I’ve been migraine-free for almost 9 months. If you think you need to change birthcontrol, and that would help, listen to your body. I’m happy to give you the name of a Dr. for a second or even third oppinion. Hang in there. If you need me, let me know. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Girl, you know I am in this boat too. I don’t know single a woman who does not have something like this going on. I take a med that has zero side effects for me, while all others taken have. Somedays I feel like it really works, sometimes the issues seem to break through in spite of it. Birth control always really whacked me out, so I had to stay away from it. I am sorry you are going through this, it’s tough. There are brighter days ahead, promise!
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I’m also going to send you a separate email, but I wanted to show my support here out in the open as well. I was diagnosed with PMDD several years ago. For me, it happened when I was in college, and it was really affecting me academically and socially. A little different from your life situation, but any time you need a sympathetic friend, I’m here. <3
You know better than anyone how you feel. It sounds like you have a lot of questions, and I would write them down and call your doctor’s office.
One of the first questions I have about your situation is if your doctor is a woman. I know that sounds a little nuts, but I think that with women’s issues, only a woman can really understand how differently we’re wired.
I do not enjoy taking medicine unless I have to, but most of the time the Drs know way better than we do what they are doing. Part of the reason why there are more scripts being written for anxiety/stress/depression than in the past is because there is a lot more going on than there was even ten years ago. More debt, more kids, higher inflation (with non equivocal raises) etc.
For some reason I keep thinking about Tom Cruise publicly saying that Brooke Shields could have handled her post-pardum with vitamins. I’d like to not-so-politely shove him off the couch and tell him to shut the h*** up until he’s spent a day in a woman’s shoes with a woman’s chemical body makeup and a woman’s emotional wiring.
The other thing to remember is that most of the time, these meds are meant as a temporary solution to help pull you out. You can always stop taking them if you have side affects.
I would also recommend checking out Belleruth Naperstek’s guided imagery cds. http://www.healthjourneys.com. I’m a big fan of them.
Know you are supported and loved…and most importantly, not alone in how you’re feeling.
Dear Nichole,
I am your number one fan. I love you tremendously and you are NOT alone. Thank you for being brave enough to share your feelings. Call me anytime you need me – I heart you.
Amy
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Oh and P.S., you are definitely in my prayers.
Amy´s last blog post: “Mom update“
Nichole, you know that I can relate on the depression level. I will be praying for you to have wisdom and relief. I’ll try to write more when I get a chance. Thank you for being brave enough to share.
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Wow, that doesn’t sound like any fun at all! You have to do what you feel is right for you, and if you can do it without drugs so much the better.
I know a woman who suffers from what you’re describing. She made a lot of radical dietary changes and she says it has made a huge difference. I know she avoids gluten, dairy, and refined sugar. I know I couldn’t give up those things, but she says she feels like a different person, so it could be worth it!
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I agree with Chris. Please read the article at http://uniteforlife.org/withdrawal.htm. My grandfather was a pharmacist, and from him I learned years ago how little doctors really know about pharmaceuticals and their potential dangers. Doctors should know enough to earn our trust by being able to tell us the whole truth in a way that doesn’t make us feel somehow inferior. We love you!