Pinterest is full of easy and adorable hairstyles. For most of them all you need are a flat iron, a curling iron, some bobby pins, hairspray, scrunching gel, straightening serum, sculpting clay, glue, a small squid, a purple bell pepper, youthful good looks, a stylist, a penguin, four brushes, a good comb, the stamen from a freshly picked Himalayan lily, four extra hands, a second flat iron, a hair dryer and long, thick, straight, flaxen locks. Yesterday I had an hour of free time (thanks, “Sesame Street”!), a handful of ponytail holders, my unruly shoulder-length hair and my trusty mismatched Spin Pins. So I thought I would try out some new ‘dos.

First I tried the Maiden Braids from A Beautiful Mess. Elsie says that “braids are the perfect casual style. They’re easy to style at home.” I think what went wrong here is that I forgot to wear my skinny blue belt. And also Elsie’s idea of “casual” is my version of “the president is coming over for dinner.” I wish my “casual” were more Elsie and less Costanza.

Next I decided to tackle the Twisted Sister from The Beauty Department. It’s a very pretty “updo” that would also be perfect for attending the Golden Globes or for picnicking with Ryan Gosling in a soft grassy place next to a gently bubbling stream. Unfortunately it requires bobby pins and long, smooth hair, neither of which I have.

(And also my camera died when I was trying to take pictures of this particular follicle failure — which upon second glance maybe has potential, if I bought some bobby pins and dropped the illusion that it would make me look like Lauren Conrad — so photos henceforth were taken by trying to hold my computer behind my head and pressing the Take The Picture button.)

I began to realize that The Beauty Department is the source of lots and lots of those Pinterest ‘dos, so I thought I’d just stick around their site for awhile. This one is called The Piece-y Pony. It is also meant for girls with long hair. I was beginning to think all of the Beauty Department’s hairstyles are meant for girls with long hair.

But then I finally found one style meant for “shorties.” It’s called the “Quick Twist for Medium and Short Hair,” and it proves once and for all that is isn’t the hair length that’s cramping my style. I’m simply inept at styling my coif.

I learned a few things from this exercise:

• My hair falls out like crazy when I monkey around with it.
• I need to grow my hair out if I want to do any fancy Pinterest styling with it.
• Watching me mess around with my hair bores my cat, as evidenced by his frequent yawns.
• My cat’s breathe smells really, really heinous.

And so I henceforth will brush the cat’s teeth and stick with my usual “updo.” I call it The Frazzled Schoolmarm Who Does Not Even Dry Her Hair Much Less Put Bobby Pins In It.